Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
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Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
first you must answer his riddles
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.