HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.