Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes