“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom