coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years