[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?