me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.