Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”