and now we wait
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
is nasa ok
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
constantly working on myself.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
awkward
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.