‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
What personal space?
My dog
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?