Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
me, after any kind of buffet.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m sure it’s fine.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.