She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
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I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
What personal space?
My dog