cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.