In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
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Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
What is going on? 😅
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I needed a laugh this morning.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Can’t, holding a grudge
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)