I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
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If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
channeling her this year
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
This checks out
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?