The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now