The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Sniffing the broccoli
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
💻🤡
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood