Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Passwords are more important than ever.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.