*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
The symmetry is uncanny.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*