Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
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Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Happy thanksgiving!
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.