You Might Also Like
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.