When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese