I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!