DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?