“i miss shittin on people”
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me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.