About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.