He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
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[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Look at this
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I don’t make the rules sorry
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be