in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
good morning