“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
LOL!
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political