If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.