Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.