I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]