She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
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I’m sorry…what?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Me too
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.