me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.