Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
This hospital has everything
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*