I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.