God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
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lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Mad Max: Furry Road
don’t be scared
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.