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Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Dead sexy!!
mariah carrie
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Last-minute gift idea!
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it