Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.