Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
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me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”