I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR