When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”