Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
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I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell