me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner