Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
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*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.