You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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I really had high hopes for this year though
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
All. The. Damn. Time.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.