*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
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Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
plant them where lol
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M