Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds