There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night