I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
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Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you